New Poll – 10 Reasons Why Women Divorce their Husbands

Watch out Newlyweds and soon-to-be’s: That Mr. Right may soon become Mr. Who?

The miraculous union of souls called marriage doesn’t always last forever. Mister Right, before long, starts resembling Mr. Get the Hell Away from Me. Around 50% of marraiges end up in divorce. A recent survey on Next Love, a dating site for single and divorced parents, raided the skeletons of 43,000 women to see just what Mr. Wrong did to get a lifetime ban from the honey fountain.

The Top Ten Reasons for Divorce

  1. Different goals in life

The TV’s blaring, and his hairy hobbit-like feet are smearing the glass coffee table. The Shasta Daisies beside him are wilting in a sad forward bend from the heinous reek. Your heart wilts as well, as you rub your eyes to check if you’re dreaming. What was supposed to be a romantic morning filled with Brioche French Toast w/ Raspberries and powdered sugar is now you quietly placing extra-strength medicated Gold Bond Foot Powder on the table and cleaning up his greasy Sausage McGriddle sandwich wrappers. He asks for a kiss in a toxic cloud of gas that could asphyxiate an entire small village. Your knees get weak, as the vapor from his deadly farts scrambles your brain. You kiss his lips, but they’re like two slimy leeches. As your legs go inward, you turn in need of fresh air, and he grabs your arm, like a zombie in need of flesh: “Wanna Screw?” he says. You run to the toilet, to purge your morning coffee. “I married a zombie,” you think. He suddenly appears standing over you, as the terror sends shockwaves up your spine and says, “Have you seen the Cheese Whiz?”

  1. Infidelity

When he cheats it hurts. When you cheat it hurts so exceptionally; that is if your Mr. Nobody is fully stocked in the meat department. But who’s measuring? In the survey, almost 30 percent claimed adultery as the reason for leaving their marriages. I think we saw this one coming from a mile away. When HE (former husband), dumber than a Hippopotamus, has a magnet attached from his eyes straight to young woman’s bottoms, you realized long ago that it wouldn’t be long before he’d be doing the Humpty-Dumpty with someone else…little did you know it would be gnarly witches that live in the forest who look like rotting-kumquat’s. Your suspicions are confirmed when he tells you their names are Gruntilda and Winnie.

  1. Constant quarrels

11 percent of the respondents cited constant bickering and arguing as to why the fallout. Here’s a sample scenario from one of the many spats: “You do the litterbox, I did it the past three months,” she says. “I got a back problem, I can’t bend down,” he argues back. “But it’s YOUR cat!” she screams. He angrily gets up grabs the litter box and pours it on his head. “There you go!!,” he says covered in hardened black pebbles and gravel. “DONE.”

Here’s another argument, straight from the Truth Files.

What’s wrong, honey?” he says. “Wasn’t it good for you?” He wipes his stomach with a nearby t-shirt. She looks him in his vacant eyes barely able to talk. “What?” he says. She finally speaks, but can only muster two words: “30 seconds?”

  1. Lack of intimacy

A sincere and close connection is what unites healthy relationships. The ability to communicate openly, to know one another from head to toe, heart to soul is vital. Until he’s NEVER there anymore. You swear you must’ve married David Copperfield and seen his magic disappearing act hundreds of times. “I gotta work right now, don’t bother me,” or “I need some alone time, I’m dealing with stuff,” or “me and Ricky are building life-size models of all the American presidents from Thomas Jefferson to Donald Trump with marshmallows, and we are going to melt chocolate over them and smoosh them with two seven-foot graham crackers for our YouTube channel; we’re gonna be so rich baby!” You smile, pat him on the head like a child, and quickly Google ‘Divorce Lawyer’.

  1. Mental illness

You thought he had it all together. The career, the friends, the attitude. It turns out you married the WABOOM guy on The Bachelorette or the one who shows up in a chicken suit. He is everything but who you thought he’d be. His confidence level is about as shaky as a kid in a haunted house with a phobia of clowns, as he reveals to you his true nature, cowering behind the bushes at the company Christmas party, shaking an anchovy at you saying, “the Mothership will be here in 10 minutes, and they’re taking me to planet Zeta.” You should’ve known five years ago when he declined sex for two weeks straight, during his Ancient Aliens binge, you got a lemon.

  1. Misconduct

Relationships build in stages. You don’t just jump into shark-infested waters without first testing the temperature, tides, and ensuring you have a waterproof taser in hand. When it comes to marriage, you place a lot of trust in someone. However, this can also lead to becoming “too comfortable in Patrick Swayze’s arms while Dirty Dancing as he throws you around like a ragdoll and drops you.” Now you’ve found yourself splattered on the ground in a new part; this time flipping roles with Patrick like in the movie Ghost (1990).

  1. Boredom

Another day turns into another week turns into another year. It’s only year three and you’ve become the Dining Dead, as the only conversation is about out how the slaw must’ve suffered overexposure on the salad bar. You learn his one-liners, his repetitious stories (he thinks he’s telling you for the first time), you know how he makes love, what’ he’s going to do (what he’s NOT going to do), you get so BORED. You read all the ways to spice things up, you go and see a relationship counselor, but your tired; can’t take the hay bales flying past the big-screen TV at 7:00 p.m. as you sit on the couch dipping pretzels into a tub of cheese, dreaming of a better life, with a better man.

  1. Physical abuse

The inferior man you thought would never hurt you, now bullies you like the angry 5th grader that stole your milk as a kid. If he hits you, leave. Please. You can find someone better.

  1. Household Problems

He doesn’t wipe the toilet seat. He doesn’t rinse the dishes before placing them in the dishwasher. He dresses up in your lingerie, wears your makeup, and calls himself Krissy. There are many reasons why cohabitating just may be a devil’s brew of displeasure for the marriage. There are more hidden things one discovers about a person after living together than an archeologist finds in an ancient Indian burial mound. The problem is, the ghosts haunt all the same.

  1. Money Problems

Although it comes in at number 10, it’s important to mention. Mr. “WAS” Right is a tightfisted killjoy who spoiled you during courtship, and now he’s nickel and diming you for everything from car payments, to grocery bills. If he didn’t mow down all the ingredients for tacos, leaving just the shells and tomatoes, perhaps Mexican Fiesta Night wouldn’t require him smashing you like a piñata after ANOTHER tequila-laden argument about…. guess what? MONEY. He hurt his back, lost his job, argues about the “Economic Crisis” and the Democrats fiddling with their ding-a-ling’s. Whatever the case, money is at the root of your disagreements. You kick yourself for not marrying that spectacled man, Phil, the venture capitalist. You kick yourself for following your heart. Well, at least you can divorce the SOB. Sayonara Cowboy!

Marriage doesn’t always work out. The law provides a handy escape hatch called divorce. Use it wisely.